I always used to think I was perhaps not clever enough to fully grasp the marketing emails that cutting edge security companies send me… until I realised they were encrypted using an ancient cipher. I have now managed to decrypt and fully understand what they are saying:
We have an exciting new breakthrough to tell you about in the field of Hacktivist Cyber Security because that is the new buzz word. We may have realised that you are completely against if we bothered to do some background research.
If you are interested in writing for free about our incredibly pointless product, or better still, want to buy an extremely over-priced license, please submit this form telling us about your company even though we’re the ones contacting you.
If you are approved we will send you high quality photos of something no one gives a shit about. For every 3,000 people you convince to “like” us on facebook we will donate a penny to the Stop Hating Justin Beiber Charity, which we actually started ourselves as a tax write-off. Help us help us by helping us. If you’d like to unsubscribe to this email list which you probably never subscribed to in the first place then reply to us with the subject line of “unsubscribe” and with the reason why you hate Justin Beiber so much.
The same company that emails you every day.