Who needs Kryptonite when you have kiddies parties?

When you’re as awesome as me, people often wonder what my weakness is? Many have tried exposing me to microwave radiation, second hand smoke and even mobile phones, but to no avail.

However, today, I’ve been exposed to something which I truly believe pushed me to my absolute limits. Getting hit by a speeding locomotive is nothing in comparison. Falling 13 storeys onto concrete is like being bitten by a mosquito.

But today in my mild-mannered consultant guise, I had to take my children to not one but two birthday parties. I now understand why the sound of a crying baby is an approved method of torture by no less than 13 governments around the world.

Birthday number 1 was pretty cool. Held in an indoor childrens play area. The kids were happy and free to run about. But the noise and chaos made the houses of Parliament civilised in comparison.

A quick trip home, a change of clothes (I long for the days where a phone booth used to suffice) and off to party number two. This one was more low-key in someone house. Again it was a pretty nice party and the food was great. However, the constant background noise of children shouting, screaming, crying, really really begins to grate. So much so my wife began to remove all cutlery and sharp objects out of my reach. I mean how ironic is that? Kids have that affect you see, where mothers will move dangerous objects away from the fathers and within reach of the children…

Well, it was probably for the best. After a stomach full of cake and painkillers, I’ve decided that from now on I’m sticking to saving parrots from burning buildings.

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